I wish I could write this post as a reflection of the past, it would be much easier. I could gracefully skate across the challenges, frustrations, sadness and anxiety and end with a happily ever after message.
But I'm not there yet.
Yet.
Things have been off balance for me since about July.
Stress over work, missing my children and missing the pace of being a stay at home mom.
Observing my children's behavior as it changed and became more challenging.
Anxiety over buying a house, waiting for the mortgage to come through and trying to figure out how I was going to manage everyday living along with moving.
Then the mortgage fell through.
What should have happened in July, happened a week before we supposed to close.
It's all going to be fine.
We're not homeless.
No one died.
I'm still working so we can fix our end of the mistake rather quickly.
God is in control.
He knows what's best and will take care of us.
It could help my husband and I get on the same page when it comes to money.
Only, it all got messed up.
How can we change what we have struggled with for so long?
How can God help us?
Why would He want to Help us?
What if there are harder lessons that we are supposed to learn?
All of these thoughts are continuously running through my mind. Sometimes I have in inner shouting match. Optimism gets screamed at by Pessimism.
A few things happened in the last few weeks that have made me decide that I am depressed.
At dinner one night, I asked my husband what he had done with the clean laundry from the dryer. He said it was still downstairs. Internally I screamed at him, "Why the (insert a not so good word here) didn't you just fold the laundry?" Outwardly, I said "We're going to have to run all the clothes back through the dryer with a wet towel because they will all be too wrinkled." I freaked myself out by swearing (those words don't usually come to my mind) and by how loud I was in my head.
I am missing my boys so much during the day that I sometimes feel sick to my stomach. I have all these grand ideas about how peaceful our evening will be. We'll read stories, make dinner together, have a relaxing bedtime routine and just enjoy each other. I get home and am instantly overwhelmed. People are yelling at each other, the house is a mess, I'm crying, and there is no peace at all.
I'm normally okay at work but this week when an 18 month old spilled her milk, which is a very age appropriate thing, I wanted to have a nervous breakdown. I calmly wiped the spill up and reassured her that it was okay, but on the inside, my head was exploding.
Not good.
So, very not good.
I know I could go to my family doctor to explain things and she would probably give me some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. I have been on something at two different points in time.
The first time was after our son, William, died from SIDS.
The second time was when my family had moved into my parents house to help my mother who had terminal cancer.
This time, I am going to try talking to a counselor about what's going on.
I know I have all the right perspectives in my head, I just need them to be so loud that they can't hear all the negativity.
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