Remembering Baby Will

Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of my son, William's death.  As you read my story, please don't question me, yourself or others.  Losing a child is the most unnatural thing that can happen.  Everyone processes death differently, creating a grief that can feel all consuming.

This is my story...

I laid him down, all swaddled and cozy, stuck a pacifier in his mouth and thought, he's going to be up in the next 30 minutes wanting to nurse.

Hours later, I awoke to find my son blue.

I cried out to my husband, handed him the phone and told him to call 911.  I began infant CPR as we waited for the ambulance to arrive.

The EMT swished Will away, commenting that he was warm and that was a good sign.

I ran after her and climbed in the front seat as we sped off to the emergency room.

I was praying.  It seemed surreal.

I was sure God was going to give him back to me.

About halfway to the hospital, the EMT told me she was sorry, but he was gone.

Gut wrenching, chest aching pain swelled up inside me and I cried.


The rest of the day was a blur.

I remember holding him and crying.

It hurt so bad, yet, it didn't feel real.

They couldn't find a reason for why Will had died and so, they told us it was SIDS.


Phone calls, visits, cards, and gifts all pored in.

"You are handling it so well." It is what people told me.

"God would never give you more than you can handle."  was another thing that was often said.


Life went on.  

Those who had felt the loss of this little one, tried to get used to the new normal that became life.

I wanted to die.

Now, I wasn't suicidal.  I just wanted to be with Will.

I questioned the point of life.

How can anything be worth it if I feel this much pain?


Depression set in.

With my mother's ever watchful eye and prodding hand, I sought help and was given anti-depressants.

The medicine helped but I'll tell you what has helped the most.

TIME.

Time to hope.  Time to experience joy.  Time to trust that I can love.  Time to breathe the air, feel the sunshine and thank God for everything He has given me.  Even Will.

My sweet baby Will, who at 6 days looked at the towel I had on my head and then looked at my eyes again to make sure it was me.