He looked at my face, and sheepishly corrected himself.
"I feel like such an idiot."
It was one of those parenting moments that I struggle with. My oldest, who was 9 (1/2) at the time, had chosen to do something that he had been told not to do. As a consequence, he had to miss watching a television show with the family, going to bed instead.
He apologized, asked for forgiveness, and begged to be able to do something to make it better. I wasn't sure if it was to correct the situation because he felt bad about his choice, or if it was to change the consequence. Or both?
Which brings me to the part of the story where I am sitting on the edge of his bed, tucking him in, and he calls himself an idiot. My mind races back to my own childhood when I had made mistakes and punished myself with negative talk. It didn't matter if my parents knew what I had done, I felt despair about the horrible person I was. At 11, or 9. 14, or even 5.
My son talked to me about how "his brain just couldn't remember" and "how there was something wrong with him."
I understood his heart. I had been there once. It still lurks over in the darkest corners, waiting for me to forget the truth about my value, God's love for me, His Son's sacrifice, and the people in my life who see me but still they love me and choose to spend time with me.
Gently, I remind my son that he does remember things that are important to him. How just that day, I had "caught" him doing something I had once instructed him to do. Without being reminded.
How we all make mistakes. Only God is perfect.
That tomorrow was a new day. A chance to do it all again. A chance to remember.
Most of all, how much we loved him. How much I loved him. Every bit of him, and nothing he could ever do would change my love.
((I'm very thankful that my oldest feels the need to talk about things, and that he does. My younger son, who is five, is still learning how to listen to his heart, to talk about issues that may be bothering him. I have to seek him out and prompt him.))
Parenting gives me a different perspective on God. It's changed from "The Creator of the Universe finding ways to teach me a lesson, to make me become the person He wants me to be. I must earn His love by doing better." to "The same Creator of the Universe, holds me tight while I learn from my mistakes. His love helps me become the person He knows I am meant to be. His love for me is unconditional."
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